Celebrating Daddy

Fi loves her Daddy. You can tell by the way she lights up when she sees him, or how she follows him with her eyes as he walks around the room. They have a special bond that I would have never imagined from my husband.
While I have always loved my husband with all of my heart for the last (almost) 9 years we have been married, I was always unsure about how he would be with a child. Being an only child himself, he hadn't been around babies much and had never held one. In the last few years, opportunities have come up but he decided that since he had waited this long, might as well wait until he had his own child to hold him/her first. Unfortunately, having the rough labor we did, I was left on an operating table while they stitched me back up when he got the chance and so I missed it myself. I've seen the pictures though. He's never really spoken of it, being a man and all, but I know it was a special moment.
In our years of being together, he always told me he was fine not having children. Again, being a man, he didn't feel any clock ticking and had no real attachment to other kids so I can see where this stemmed from. And the first few years of our marriage, I hadn't given it much thought either. When I finally came to him asking to try, he was reluctant but gave in, I think mostly to keep me happy.
Once we found out we were pregnant, he had to rewrite the future he always saw and had to somehow incorporate a small living creature into his plans. I wasn't sure what to expect of him after our daughter was born but just like everything else he does in life, he does this well. (I could have guessed since he was so amazing throughout the pregnancy and through the labor and delivery.)
Even when our day-old helpless daughter was put into NICU, he stepped up to the plate keeping me strong thoughout the entire 5 days she was stuck there. When we got home and he was back to work, he still managed to help with the night time feedings and deal with me and my raging hormones.
But even all of that doesn't compare to the dad he is today. Before having Fiona, I could never imagine him changing diapers, getting down on all fours to play with a baby, or skip his "me time" to spend time with a baby. And yet he does all of that and more every day. He does more than I ever could to keep this house going. Between full time stressful work, taking college courses, and playing with Fi in the evenings, he still has time to keep her diapers washed and do dishes on the many occasions I fail to do it.
He truly is the foundation that keeps this family together and keeps me going day in and day out. While I fail at so many things in life (have you seen my house lately?), he pushes me to be better.
I know I test his patience regularly and yet he still loves me for who I am (though I'm sure there are many things he would change if he could). I think about a life without him and I come up empty. I never thought my love for him would grow more from having a child.
He gives me Tuesday nights out every week when he might go out once or twice a month. He comes home from a long day at work to continue to work around the house because I failed to do things during the day. He takes pictures without grumbling about it (it was all I could do to get a few photos of us once a year before Fiona was born). He is more than I ever expected in a husband. How did I get so blessed?! (I find myself asking that question regularly)
I am having a hard time trying to say what I want to but it comes down to me being incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful husband and Fiona having such a great dad! We love you so much, DonoMan.

Wow, never thought I would jump back on this blog. It's been ages...if I recall the last post being before we even found out the sex of our new bundle of joy.

And now, Fiona Evelyn is almost 7 months old. Where does the time go? Time really needs to slow down a bit. Not just for enjoying those small moments that we will never get again but also for the day to day. I always run out of time to do the things I need to do every day. Facebook and my iPad games definitely don't help. I feel like the day has just begun and its already 4pm and we are waiting for Daddy to get home. Between my full time school, Miss Fi, and trying to keep this house clean one or more always remains unfinished. And it is always school and housework, which is to be expected since I am not going to neglect my child. However, I do feel myself feeling guilty because I don't play with her enough. She is such an easy going baby and is very independent when her basic needs are taken care of. I find myself taking advantage of that on a regular basis and then spending a lot of time feeling guilty about that. Because of this, I finally unpacked her books box from the move three months ago. Or has it been longer? She seems to really enjoy the reading...at least when she isn't chewing on the corners.
Along with reading, she is doing new things all the time. I keep saying it but we are so close to being on the move. She crawls one or two steps? paces? and then stops. She knows how to do it but something is keeping her from not doing it. While I can't wait to have her crawl, I am also really apprehensive about it. That means a whole new world of not leaving her on the ground so I can go make a bottle, or go to the bathroom, or sit on the couch and read facebook. Not sure what we are going to do when this finally happens. A lot of babyproofing I imagine. I've already caught her putting small things in her mouth that she finds on the ground. It tells me I need to vacuum more. Yet another to add to the long list of things to keep up with.
She is also starting to whine more even though she is fed and rested. She wants attention which I find nothing wrong with but struggle with it when there is something that I really need to finish. She is starting to learn that whining gets attention and even if she is tired she will smile it up when she gets one-on-one time with me or daddy. Mostly daddy. I've heard girls will always be daddy's girls but am finally realizing the entire spectrum of what this means. Yet another reason why I am scared for her crawling because I fear she will always want to go to her daddy. Selfish?, yes. Does it change the fear? No.
I am so close to finishing my degree and need to keep pushing ahead but hate that this year is flying by. Today I found myself crying looking at one of her 3 month shirts that she no longer fits into. Granted, I was already emotional over a "disagreement" Donovan and I were having but it didn't change the fact that I no longer have a little baby that I can hold in my arms and rock.
I want so much for her to be independent and yet a small part of me wants a clingy baby that will lay in my arms, cuddle, and possibly fall asleep. Only a small part, granted, but being independent may mean that she won't come crawling up to me to sit in my lap and hang out with mommy. And that kind of hurts. I guess we will see what the future holds.

On a side note which I've mentioned briefly on FB, she has started doing this head tilt to one side. I'm not sure where she picked it up or why she does it. It makes me laugh every time and I think maybe she continues to do it because it makes me laugh but I'm not sure. Of course, Donovan is worried about it wondering if there is something wrong with her but I highly doubt it since she is going right along with her development. He is a worrywart of a daddy but I wouldn't want him any other way.

And just so this isn't all talky here are a few pics:











I can't believe how much she changes in such a short time.

Stress

There is so much going on right now, I worry about the stress on Baby Stup. Some things I can't talk about others I won't shut-up about.
My school program is tiny and we barely have enough students to hold classes. On top of that, we are the first round of students going through the program and therefore are the test subjects. Lets just say things aren't running smoothly with some aspects. I had methods to take this fall which are incredibly intense with tons of classroom work. It's the semester before student teaching and are required to do so many hours in the classroom. Because of reasons beyond most people's control, we are unable to get into a school to do this observation and therefore cannot take the methods courses. Well, its up in the air at this point but isn't looking likely. Even though its in my best interest to take these courses this fall before the baby arrives, I'm secretly hoping all plans fall through. I'm so burnt out with school and I want to go into methods classes with a clear head and a motivation to work. I barely have motivation to get up off the couch let alone write lesson plans, read tons of books, and write papers. Who knows if we will be here to finish the program next year when they get the observation problems worked out...or if they do. Which leads me to my next stressful topic.
We've been gearing up to leave Okinawa for some time and my school was really the only thing keeping up here. Dono talked about going to Afghanistan for a year and me finish my schooling in the states, probably Maryland. With an unexpected baby on the way, those plans fell through. Who knows where we will end up and what we will be doing but it looks like change is on the horizon at some point soon(-ish).
On top of huge decisions like those mentioned, there is obviously expected stress of baby on the way. I know we will be good parents but do worry about lack of sleep, and 24 hours a day mommying, and gaining too much weight during pregnancy, and all those things that keep pregnant moms awake at night.
We have three weeks (roughly) until we find out their gender. This fills my brain and makes time crawl by! I just wanna know! Of course now that we might be leaving sooner than later, we should be saving more than spending when all I wanna do is shop for the nursery. I have been really good at being frugal when it comes to baby supplies. The only thing I have bought brand-new is the crib and it's a convertible crib which should hopefully last us quite a few years.
And on a completely different note: I find it sad that none of my family or friends back in the states are going to know me pregnant. But on the other hand if we do stay until the baby is born, how cool is it to say that you were born in Japan?!
Alright, I think its nap time before math class. Hope all is well wherever you are.

Had my 16 week checkup today. Seemed quite pointless except for the 2 seconds of hearing the heartbeat which made me feel better. (I had a good friend lose her baby and she found out at this appt) The doctor turned out to be a guy that I helped a lot when I worked at the dive shop here in town years ago. I never liked the dude because I thought he was annoying and honestly kinda creepy and I find out I might have to deal with him for one of the most painful days of my life?! I'm praying I get another doctor on the day of delivery. I really wish I had some say in who will deliver me. Though in reality, I still am not fully decided that I am having this baby at this hospital. My biggest fear is being induced when it is not medically necessary and this hospital is HUGE about doing that. I just feel like they would ignore my birth plan and do what they feel like. There are a few biggies that are really important to me for my delivery day.

Today's appt was supposed to be when I got some screenings done for abnormalities but that didn't even happen. Apparently, I have do that Monday-Thursday mornings, so why where they not scheduled together? Who knows. So now I have to go in early next week to get some blood drawn. When I had my first meeting with the OB department (like a welcome class, really) they took a TON of blood. Someone dropped the ball and didn't get my blood type the first go round so now that's on the list along with the quad screening test and something else for abnormality testing (horrible memory for what doctors tell me) Really, both Dono and I were stumped as to the point. He asked if anything was going on or if I had any questions (Doc, I don't need you, I have Google and I would go in the ER if I had any serious problems), listened to the heartbeat (150bpm), and then that was it. At least it was fast and I have some reassurance that Baby Stup is still healthy and happy inside he/she's little home.

Apparently this week my baby is about 4 to 5 inches from head to rump and weighs about 3 1/2 oz. Getting bigger! :)

I feel like I am stuck in the 1st trimester indefinitely. Still throwing up semi-regularly and sometimes I have a hard time finding a pattern as to why. (though thankfully no nausea) I think maybe laying down too soon after eating? My boobs still are painfully annoying. My nipples are so sensitive! And as they grow bigger, I graze them a lot easier and a lot more often. (on top of being sensitive, they've already starting leaking in tiny amounts) I also think my emotions are stronger now than during the first trimester. I'm probably just having a bad week, but I feel ready to cry at the drop off a hat. And to top it all off, I'M EXHAUSTED! Way more tired than the first trimester. Am I destined to stay in this state for the rest of the pregnancy? Only time will tell.

Up at 5:30 with hunger pains so now I am wide awake for the moment.
Now that I am in my second trimester, I am starting to take pictures. I had plans to take pics every week but never ended up doing that. Maybe start that soon? I stole the idea about holding up an item each time I take a photo to show the size of the baby and I think its a good way for me to know just how far along I really am.
A few myths I expected before getting pregnant:
1) Morning sickness and throwing up are directly cause and effect of each other. FALSE I thought once the morning sickness was gone, the throwing up would also leave. That has definitely not been the case. Though I assumed they were at first, they were actually not related from the beginning. I throw up not because of nausea but because of eating the wrong thing and my stomach feels like revolting. You are probably thinking I am completely weird but I promise you I know the difference and they are definitely not related. Some things I know not to drink or eat at all. No matter what, If I consume a glass of straight milk, within 5 min I will be hugging the toilet. However, chocolate milk is okay and milk shakes seem to be okay. (I swear this is not me making sweets okay, I actually don't like ice cream all that much and rarely drink chocolate milk. Give me salty carbs over sweets any day) Some things, on the other hand, can randomly cause puking whereas other times they are alright. Last night, I enjoyed the stereotypical pickle and about 20 min later, my stomach decided against it. I've had pickles in the past with no adverse effects but, apparently, yesterday was different. I now avoid straight milk, raw tomato (in larger doses), my favorite side from my favorite Mexican restaurant in town, and certain fresh fruits such as watermelon. All very disappointing since they are closer to the top of my favorites. :(

2)My boobs would hurt for the first couple of months and then that would be all. FALSE again. (sorry in advance for the TMI) Now granted, When I found out I was pregnant, I was one year post op from a breast augmentation so this all may not be normal for other folks who were naturally blessed or just love their natural smallness. From the beginning I can't say that my boobs themselves hurt. I still don't have 100% feeling in them anyway (bottom half around incisions) but they weren't that sore. My nipples on the other hand have hurt since day one and continue to as I go into week 16. I find showers uncomfortable and clothing can cause pain. It's really quite annoying and I wish that was over when I said goodbye to the first trimester.

3) That as soon as I hit the second trimester, I would have a ton of energy. FALSE yet again. I would kill for some energy. I can barely get my school work done and get to school on time let alone cleaning the house and hanging out with friends. I plan my days around my daily nap. I would love to have the energy to pull out my jewelry supplies and actually make something or my sewing machine and finish projects I have lined up. I feel like I am barely keeping myself afloat with no chance of making it to dry land. To have time and energy would be amazing but not in my cards right now. This is a blog all in itself: Finding the fine line between laziness and overdoing it. I know not.

Just a few, I'm sure I will think of some more as soon as I publish post and move on with my morning. Hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July. Ours was very uneventful. We spent almost the entire day shut up in the bedroom watching TV since the A/C actually works in there. Yesterday was unbearably hot. Hopefully today, the repairman will finish working on the A/C and I can actually clean in the living room/kitchen without losing 10 pounds of sweat. High aspirations. :)

Adventures in the First Trimester

Things were a bit rocky in the beginning. I was unable to get pregnant for years because of my progesterone levels and was nervous about losing this pregnancy for the same reason. After vacation, Donovan and I immediately made an appt at the hospital on base to see if we could get my hormone levels checked. It was a very disheartening appt with the doctor telling us he won't even look at my levels and wouldn't do anything about it even if he did care to look. He said I should be happy I was pregnant and I would have to go through a few miscarriages before he would consider hormone therapy. I left the hospital in tears. I was convinced my body would reject this pregnancy and I would lose all the hope I had acquired. I was already set on going out in town for doctor appts but thought I would give the hospital one more try. We made an appt with the OB department. Again, I was convinced they wouldn't see us there because everyone else at Dono's work had been sent to another clinic 45 min away. Somehow, we got lucky and at my 8 week mark, we finally saw a doctor.
This appt went ten times better than the first. She still wouldn't do anything about my hormone levels but I had given up that fight. I was still convinced that I had lost the baby so had a nice surprise when the baby showed up on the screen and I heard the heartbeat. Dono and I held hands as we watched our little Stup on the screen. Our doctor confirmed the development with head size. I couldn't believe I was finally blessed with this experience. Still in the back of my mind, I waited for the shoe to drop but was determined to enjoy every moment along the way. I was so proud of our picture and how well it turned out.
Before heading to this appt I talked to my sister, Mallory. I commented how I never could tell what was going on in other people's ultrasounds. Always looked like a blob to me. We joked that we would definitely be able to tell when it was our own baby. At the appt, I needed no explanation as I could clearly see my child right in front of my eyes. Is it because I am biased or did I just get insanely lucky for my first picture?
Around this time, I had a three week break from school. Since I had nothing else to do, and really desired little else, I spent my days reading online websites, books, articles, and did a LOT of window shopping online. Time CRAWLED by. Those three weeks were some of the slowest of my life. Before I ended my first trimester I had already read all the books I acquired and was turning to repeats online.
Morning sickness, or in my case evening sickness, was short lived with no complaints from me. Starting at 9 weeks and ending around 11 or 12, I spent my evenings keeping my belly full as to not feel sick. I threw up a couple of times, mostly involving milk, but chalked it up to the nausea and didn't think much of it. (Later I found out it wasn't the morning sickness by my stomach's aversion to certain foods).
Before pregnancy, I had envisioned a war at home. With my hormones raging, I pictured PMS week but magnified 100 times. (PMS week is no joke in this household). Along with raging hormones, I pictured me sick all the time, only able to keep crackers and gingerale down. Of course, at least in my case, don't always believe what you read or see on TV. While my hormones were a bit crazy at times, Dono was incredibly patient (unlike PMS week) and loving throughout and did a good job not letting my craziness upset him. On top of that, my nausea was nothing I couldn't control. I learned early on to eat small meals every couple of hours and tried very hard to stick to that. This was not easy since before pregnancy I wouldn't eat my first meal until late afternoon and might eat one more before bed. It was challenging to come up with something to eat every two hours that was healthy but sounded good.
All in all, the first trimester was a breeze considering. Especially after I got over the feeling that it would all be taken away from me shortly. I was just ready to start showing a bit so I didn't have to be the crazy girl shouting "GUESS WHAT?! I'M PREGNANT!!" I wanted people to approach me. Little did I know, or still fully grasp even today. that as soon as that does start happening, I am going to wish I never had that desire.
I never imagined how much this pregnancy would fill my brain. I have no desire to do anything except talk about, read about, shop for, blah blah blah. I know my friends get sick of hearing about it so I just keep a running conversation in my brain, by myself. Who's crazy now? We will just say its the hormones and move on.