Repatriation back to America: Parenting is going to be HARDER

Fiona is five and a half now. Where has the time gone?! She was our surprise baby while living in Japan. When she was two, we packed our house up for our next adventure to Germany. We've spent the last three years here enjoying Europe to the fullest extent. Our time has come to say goodbye to thirteen amazing years of experiencing other cultures and go experience American culture. This is HUGE and scary and kind of exciting and REALLY SCARY. Seems silly to say moving back to our home country is scary.

We've lived in these military bubbles overseas for most of my adult life. I don't see American news unless someone posts it on Facebook. I don't see German news because after moving to the third country I gave up trying to learn the local language when everyone speaks English around American bases. We lived in this tiny bubble of close friends and a base close by. The news I do see online is about CPS being called because a child is playing outside without adult supervision. What?! Since when did we have to hover over our children every waking moment? Fiona is attached to my hip enough being an only child so when she wants to go outside by herself and explore and pretend play, I welcome it! Here in Germany that is no problem. Unless you have Americans living around you. Which we don't.

The media I do see has made me scared to move back. And I know the logical side of my brain says this is silly. Crimes to children aren't up even though people love to say "What has happened with the world?" "It's not like it used to be." But as a mom, my fear has shot through the roof so it's sometimes hard to turn that off. And the media loves to play into that and drive that fear. Let's get on a child kidnapping bandwagon for a while, pedophiles, or shootings at schools. Lets talk about it until we are blue in the face and that makes it seem like these are new things to be fearful of. But it isn't. It's the media selling you more ads. Keep watching to see what happens and then make sure and buy the shampoo we are selling between heart-wrenching stories. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying these things don't happen but the chances of it happening to a select person (read: my daughter) are so slim.

What has changed it seems is us looking out for one another. America is such an individualistic society, we only care about what Facebook tells us to care about and then the extent of our caring is sending prayers. That's great and all but that doesn't help solve real problems that need real solutions. We need to get back to looking out for the neighborhood kids instead of calling the cops on parents. Parenting is freakin hard work! The media wants to tell us how to parent, Facebook friends want to tell us how to parent, Pinterest and blogs have their ideas. And we talk about it and judge others until we've repeated the same things over and over and over again and yet the judgement is still there and the only looking out for ourselves is still front and center. This is why I am scared to be back to the states. I don't want to judge others for being helicopter parents or planning activities and events and play-dates all day every day. But that is not how I want to parent and I don't want judgement for that.

Since Fiona was born, independence has always been my driving force. Doing things, even if they are hard at the time, that create long term results are what I am after. And what is more important than raising independent kids who can make it in this world? That means putting aside my fears and letting her take risks and explore the world around her. If America is going to tell me I have to be right by her side at all times, that's not going to get accomplished. She needs to be able to play independently and figure out that climbing that branch was not the smartest decision. If I am always there to say no, she will never figure out her boundaries.

Fiona starts kindergarten in three months. In the last year I've noticed a lot of early signs of ADD being present. Only having one child, it's sometimes hard to know what is normal preschool behavior, what is caused by our lack of stellar parenting, and what is just who she is as a person. But the signs are there. I've worked in PSCD classrooms in which Fiona already attends for speech and social skills (early, early signs of ADD such as completing a task, cleaning up after being done, and transitioning nicely). I've gotten my Elementary Education degree (which by no means makes me an expert but I have a basic working knowledge). My husband and I also both struggle with ADD so it was destined for there to be signs of that in her. Having said all that, she is starting kindergarten soon and I am so scared for American schooling for her. I want to do everything in my power to keep her off of medications until we've exhausted every other method. I have my degree and I have worked in schools. I know how easy it is for teachers who have 20 students to quickly suggest medications to make their job easier. America LOVES medication for everything.

I am also afraid of her falling between the cracks. She's not hyperactive most of the time (only when extremely tired). However, she has a hard time following directions and staying on task and staying focused. I am afraid for her to easily fall behind even though she is incredibly smart. And homework. Why does she need homework?! At five years old, she still takes a two hour nap most days. She's exhausted. So to spend all day at school working her brain and cutting out naps, why does she need to come home and do more?! I know that every teacher is different. Some don't assign homework, some assign too much. Here in Germany, I was working in the school where she was going to the PSCD program and we had hand picked her teacher for kindergarten. I knew what to expect and I knew that teacher was going to help her be the best kindergartner she could be. We are barely moving into the area before she starts school. We will all go in blindly, crossing our fingers hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. That scares the daylights out of me.

This whole transition is not going to be easy. But we will get through it. I know it. We've moved to drastically different countries, calling it a new adventure each time. This is the newest adventure and we will all thrive, we just might have a few speed bumps along the way. I just hope CPS isn't knocking on my door at any point.

Crawling is going places now! (ha) The first couple of weeks, she knew how to crawl but still stayed in her toy corner of the living room crawling a few steps here and there. Last week she started moving towards the couch but stayed in the living room. A couple of days ago, she finally realized the large space she has to move around in since the downstairs is all one large room consisting of the living, dining, and kitchen. She is having a blast exploring. Of course this brings a range of babyproofing issues we need to work through. My entry way is a step down from the living room and she has fallen off that a few times already. She has found the kitchen and the animals water bowl which brings lots of fun. My child is definitely a water baby though I'm not sure what baby isn't. It means I can no longer sit on the couch while she plays quietly in her corner. (that really makes me sound like a horrible parent. I promise I don't banish her to the corner.) I'm glad classes end this week to give me more time to focus on her.
Also, she has found the wonderful world of the cat in her explorations. Kaba, our Yorkie, keeps her distance and snaps at her if she comes too close and runs away the minute Fiona's hand gets near. The cat however doesn't seem mad about it and so Fi seeks her out which usually means chasing her around the living room. I can't figure out if Cleo doesn't mind or is already so far down the submissive line in the house (since the dog terrorizes her all the time) that she just deals with it. Fiona will mess with her and all Cleo will do is stand up, walk two steps, and then lay back down. I figure she will jump up and go to higher ground if she gets sick of it but I haven't seen that yet. The pure joy on Fiona's face when she sees the cat makes me smile every time. I hope as she gets older and a little softer in her touches, they will become lifelong friends.
On a related side note, I really need to buy a furminator since Cleo sheds entire cats daily. Fiona will crawl away after "petting" the cat and have hands full of fur which immediately go to her mouth. I have a MAJOR issue against hair and gag when it comes anywhere near my mouth and yet I just have to deal with all the fur that I am sure my child is ingesting daily. Between the dog and the cat, and carpet that isn't vacuumed as much as it should be, she constantly has hair all over her. For the most part, it doesn't bother me knowing that there is no way around it and it's not going to hurt her any but its a daily struggle to tell myself that.
Oh the world of a moving baby. Each stage brings new challenges and new fun! I'm just sad each phase goes by way too quickly.

We survived the 40 hours of house arrest due to Typhoon Muifa. Having a typhoon in the area is nothing I ever worry about since Okinawa knows how to build typhoon/hurricane ready houses unlike other places I know. The worst thing to worry about is losing power and since this was a long one, a lot of people dealt with that for long periods of time. We were very fortunate to keep our power except for a 5 min period at the very end. The main thing you have to worry about is boredom which we all had our fair share. Thankfully our best friends, Steven and Nikara, stayed over for the duration and gave us some company throughout. It was a good thing since their house lost power for who knows how long.
Fi was definitely under the weather during this period. I'm not sure if it was teething related or a bug she picked up. You can tell she isn't feeling well when she wants to just sit in your lap and relax. I definitely got a good amount of cuddle time and enjoyed every minute. Now that she is feeling better, Dono is out of commission. I haven't been feeling that well since the beginning of the typhoon either but since I'm the best out of the bunch, all the responsibilities fall to me. I'm hoping mine is just a sinus issue with the pressure changes (that happen semi-regularly for me) though I'm wondering if I haven't caught whatever Dono is carrying around. We shall see. I still don't feel like doing anything but sucking on cough drops will sitting on the couch but mommyhood calls regularly. If I am getting what Dono has, it means still no help since he will probably be back to work and I'll be on my own with Fi. I never get sick (besides sinus issues. Oh, yeah, knock on wood) and I'm hoping this streak will continue. I can't imagine trying to take care of her with what Dono has had to deal with. (I really hate throwing up, though I don't know anyone who loves it either).
Other than all that jazz, life has been pretty easy going. Fi is crawling more and more every day and has now started to pull up on her knees to get higher. Pulling up on the furniture is not far behind. We also had our first spice infused meal and she really enjoyed it. (Though she will eat anything I put in front of her) I still pureed it quite a bit but it means I can now start giving her more foods that we cook for ourselves, which is a bit more convenient than spending an afternoon cooking her food. I feel like she gets a lot of the same foods over and over again since our selection is not that great living on an island in the middle of the ocean. I gave her some frozen blueberries in her feeder (makes her sound like a bird, but its the little mess bags with a handle which I TOTALLY recommend!) and she couldn't get enough. She was so cute with all the color all over her face and hands.
Along with family I also am dealing with trying to get through three classes. This is no easy task and I'm losing steam so fast. I only have two weeks left of this term and it can't get here fast enough. Since the rest of the house is taking an afternoon nap, I guess I should make myself do some homework even though joining them sounds much better. I hope you all had an amazing week and here's to another! I need to get out in the sun soon or I'm going to go crazy. (and lose my good color from girl's weekend)
New pictures and videos to come very soon on her fb page. I know its been a while.

Noise

The days are flying by quicker than I can even begin to imagine. I thought staying home with FI would slow things down a lot but apparently not. Miss Fi brings me joy every minute of every day. But enough mushy stuff. Maybe.
Our house is very quiet during the day. I try to watch very little TV since I have so many other things I should be doing. And I just don't ever think to turn on music. It's sad. I know you are supposed to talk to your baby a lot but I find it awkward and I have to really remind myself about that often. Too often. Don't get me wrong, I do play and talk with Miss Fi but there are a lot of times I am doing things with her in complete silence. Like lunch time. Ever since we got the service to make us look like we are in the states internet wise (yes thats the technical term) I am able to use great websites like Pandora but end up forgetting more than I actually use it.
Fi is talking a lot more lately which is good. She tends to be very quiet. Granted, I find nothing wrong with that but am glad to hear her babbling once in a while. Right now, she is playing with her phone sounding like an airplane.
With all this quiet, I have a lot of time to think. And for some reason, I've been strangely emotional lately. I think it has to do with the blogs I've been following about the EB babies. http://patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com/ and http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/ and I find myself really appreciating my healthy and happy and EASY baby. Reading about the short time these moms know they are going to have with their little babies is helping me to appreciate the small moments with Fi. It also has been making me really sad about her not being "little" anymore. While she is only 7 months (next week) she no longer is that small baby that would lay in my arms for hours content to sleep or relax. She is starting to be really active, crawling farther every day. (We REALLY need to get on that baby proofing) Oh man, it was so easy before crawling.
On a completely different side note: I thought making her own baby food was going to be a LOT more complicated than it really is. Donovan and I spent Friday night (after she went to bed) making baby food together and it was such an enjoyable time. It was nice to spend time talking and laughing instead of watching TV like we tend to do in the evenings. And on top of a great night with the hubby, we have baby food in the freezer to last us quite a while. I've introduced a second solid food feeding and it is working out really well. Yesterday, we even did three. She seems to really enjoy feedings. She eats everything I give her and seems to love it all. We eat oatmeal every day which she loves and then I try to do at least two other veggies each day. I don't feed her fruit very often. I want her to get a good taste of vegetables before and our selection of fruits is VERY limited on this island. We decided to see how she would do with leeks (not by themselves but mixed with potatoes) and I really didn't think she would like it all that much since the smell of onion was really strong. Yet she ate it up just like everything else. She even loved the strong curry soup at Sam's which really surprised me. I think the next session of baby food making is going to include spices to...umm... spice things up a bit. Sorry, that was bad. Forgive me.
She is also doing really good at drinking out of a regular cup and is always so interested in what I am drinking. I let her try a tiny bit of my chocolate soy milk and she went crazy trying to get more. Oh man! Don't worry, as this will not be a regular drink choice. Just a little treat once in a GREAT while.
I cannot believe she will be 7 months next week. The lyric "Slow it down, make it stop, or else my heart is gonna pop!" JUST came on Pandora and it sums up things nicely. (The song is The Show by Lenka if you are wondering)
I hope everyone stops to enjoy the small moments this week. Stop and smell the roses so to speak. Whether it be with your husband, your child, or even the gorgeous day as you are walking to your car.

Celebrating Daddy

Fi loves her Daddy. You can tell by the way she lights up when she sees him, or how she follows him with her eyes as he walks around the room. They have a special bond that I would have never imagined from my husband.
While I have always loved my husband with all of my heart for the last (almost) 9 years we have been married, I was always unsure about how he would be with a child. Being an only child himself, he hadn't been around babies much and had never held one. In the last few years, opportunities have come up but he decided that since he had waited this long, might as well wait until he had his own child to hold him/her first. Unfortunately, having the rough labor we did, I was left on an operating table while they stitched me back up when he got the chance and so I missed it myself. I've seen the pictures though. He's never really spoken of it, being a man and all, but I know it was a special moment.
In our years of being together, he always told me he was fine not having children. Again, being a man, he didn't feel any clock ticking and had no real attachment to other kids so I can see where this stemmed from. And the first few years of our marriage, I hadn't given it much thought either. When I finally came to him asking to try, he was reluctant but gave in, I think mostly to keep me happy.
Once we found out we were pregnant, he had to rewrite the future he always saw and had to somehow incorporate a small living creature into his plans. I wasn't sure what to expect of him after our daughter was born but just like everything else he does in life, he does this well. (I could have guessed since he was so amazing throughout the pregnancy and through the labor and delivery.)
Even when our day-old helpless daughter was put into NICU, he stepped up to the plate keeping me strong thoughout the entire 5 days she was stuck there. When we got home and he was back to work, he still managed to help with the night time feedings and deal with me and my raging hormones.
But even all of that doesn't compare to the dad he is today. Before having Fiona, I could never imagine him changing diapers, getting down on all fours to play with a baby, or skip his "me time" to spend time with a baby. And yet he does all of that and more every day. He does more than I ever could to keep this house going. Between full time stressful work, taking college courses, and playing with Fi in the evenings, he still has time to keep her diapers washed and do dishes on the many occasions I fail to do it.
He truly is the foundation that keeps this family together and keeps me going day in and day out. While I fail at so many things in life (have you seen my house lately?), he pushes me to be better.
I know I test his patience regularly and yet he still loves me for who I am (though I'm sure there are many things he would change if he could). I think about a life without him and I come up empty. I never thought my love for him would grow more from having a child.
He gives me Tuesday nights out every week when he might go out once or twice a month. He comes home from a long day at work to continue to work around the house because I failed to do things during the day. He takes pictures without grumbling about it (it was all I could do to get a few photos of us once a year before Fiona was born). He is more than I ever expected in a husband. How did I get so blessed?! (I find myself asking that question regularly)
I am having a hard time trying to say what I want to but it comes down to me being incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful husband and Fiona having such a great dad! We love you so much, DonoMan.

Wow, never thought I would jump back on this blog. It's been ages...if I recall the last post being before we even found out the sex of our new bundle of joy.

And now, Fiona Evelyn is almost 7 months old. Where does the time go? Time really needs to slow down a bit. Not just for enjoying those small moments that we will never get again but also for the day to day. I always run out of time to do the things I need to do every day. Facebook and my iPad games definitely don't help. I feel like the day has just begun and its already 4pm and we are waiting for Daddy to get home. Between my full time school, Miss Fi, and trying to keep this house clean one or more always remains unfinished. And it is always school and housework, which is to be expected since I am not going to neglect my child. However, I do feel myself feeling guilty because I don't play with her enough. She is such an easy going baby and is very independent when her basic needs are taken care of. I find myself taking advantage of that on a regular basis and then spending a lot of time feeling guilty about that. Because of this, I finally unpacked her books box from the move three months ago. Or has it been longer? She seems to really enjoy the reading...at least when she isn't chewing on the corners.
Along with reading, she is doing new things all the time. I keep saying it but we are so close to being on the move. She crawls one or two steps? paces? and then stops. She knows how to do it but something is keeping her from not doing it. While I can't wait to have her crawl, I am also really apprehensive about it. That means a whole new world of not leaving her on the ground so I can go make a bottle, or go to the bathroom, or sit on the couch and read facebook. Not sure what we are going to do when this finally happens. A lot of babyproofing I imagine. I've already caught her putting small things in her mouth that she finds on the ground. It tells me I need to vacuum more. Yet another to add to the long list of things to keep up with.
She is also starting to whine more even though she is fed and rested. She wants attention which I find nothing wrong with but struggle with it when there is something that I really need to finish. She is starting to learn that whining gets attention and even if she is tired she will smile it up when she gets one-on-one time with me or daddy. Mostly daddy. I've heard girls will always be daddy's girls but am finally realizing the entire spectrum of what this means. Yet another reason why I am scared for her crawling because I fear she will always want to go to her daddy. Selfish?, yes. Does it change the fear? No.
I am so close to finishing my degree and need to keep pushing ahead but hate that this year is flying by. Today I found myself crying looking at one of her 3 month shirts that she no longer fits into. Granted, I was already emotional over a "disagreement" Donovan and I were having but it didn't change the fact that I no longer have a little baby that I can hold in my arms and rock.
I want so much for her to be independent and yet a small part of me wants a clingy baby that will lay in my arms, cuddle, and possibly fall asleep. Only a small part, granted, but being independent may mean that she won't come crawling up to me to sit in my lap and hang out with mommy. And that kind of hurts. I guess we will see what the future holds.

On a side note which I've mentioned briefly on FB, she has started doing this head tilt to one side. I'm not sure where she picked it up or why she does it. It makes me laugh every time and I think maybe she continues to do it because it makes me laugh but I'm not sure. Of course, Donovan is worried about it wondering if there is something wrong with her but I highly doubt it since she is going right along with her development. He is a worrywart of a daddy but I wouldn't want him any other way.

And just so this isn't all talky here are a few pics:











I can't believe how much she changes in such a short time.

Stress

There is so much going on right now, I worry about the stress on Baby Stup. Some things I can't talk about others I won't shut-up about.
My school program is tiny and we barely have enough students to hold classes. On top of that, we are the first round of students going through the program and therefore are the test subjects. Lets just say things aren't running smoothly with some aspects. I had methods to take this fall which are incredibly intense with tons of classroom work. It's the semester before student teaching and are required to do so many hours in the classroom. Because of reasons beyond most people's control, we are unable to get into a school to do this observation and therefore cannot take the methods courses. Well, its up in the air at this point but isn't looking likely. Even though its in my best interest to take these courses this fall before the baby arrives, I'm secretly hoping all plans fall through. I'm so burnt out with school and I want to go into methods classes with a clear head and a motivation to work. I barely have motivation to get up off the couch let alone write lesson plans, read tons of books, and write papers. Who knows if we will be here to finish the program next year when they get the observation problems worked out...or if they do. Which leads me to my next stressful topic.
We've been gearing up to leave Okinawa for some time and my school was really the only thing keeping up here. Dono talked about going to Afghanistan for a year and me finish my schooling in the states, probably Maryland. With an unexpected baby on the way, those plans fell through. Who knows where we will end up and what we will be doing but it looks like change is on the horizon at some point soon(-ish).
On top of huge decisions like those mentioned, there is obviously expected stress of baby on the way. I know we will be good parents but do worry about lack of sleep, and 24 hours a day mommying, and gaining too much weight during pregnancy, and all those things that keep pregnant moms awake at night.
We have three weeks (roughly) until we find out their gender. This fills my brain and makes time crawl by! I just wanna know! Of course now that we might be leaving sooner than later, we should be saving more than spending when all I wanna do is shop for the nursery. I have been really good at being frugal when it comes to baby supplies. The only thing I have bought brand-new is the crib and it's a convertible crib which should hopefully last us quite a few years.
And on a completely different note: I find it sad that none of my family or friends back in the states are going to know me pregnant. But on the other hand if we do stay until the baby is born, how cool is it to say that you were born in Japan?!
Alright, I think its nap time before math class. Hope all is well wherever you are.